Throughout our lives, we all develop attachments. These attachments can take various forms, such as objects, parents, partners, or even feelings. It’s important to remember that not all connections are necessarily harmful to us; in fact, some can actually be beneficial. However, it’s crucial to adopt an optimistic perspective and avoid living in constant fear of loss. While this may seem like an obvious concept, putting it into practice can be quite challenging. Nonetheless, it is absolutely vital for living a life free from the burdens that attachments can bring. By the end of this article, you will have all the information and tools to successfully Let Go of Attachments.
“Attachment is the root of all suffering”
The Buddha
Let Go of Attachments, The Different Types:
Attachment Theory, Our First Encounter:
What is Attachment Theory?:
Attachment theory was proposed by renowned British psychologist, John Bowlby, in collaboration with esteemed American-Canadian psychologist, Mary Ainsworth. This theory posits that attachments, between a Parent and Child, shape the Child’s interactions as they progress through life. Within the framework of attachment theory, these relationships can be classified into four distinct categories.
What Type Are You?:
Secure Attachment:
Secure Attachment is the “ideal” type of relationship between parents and children, as researchers have found. It is formed when parents are there for their children and respond to their distress. This includes comforting them when they cry and paying attention to their emotional expressions. Moreover, secure attachment arises when parents are sensitive to their children’s feelings. This involves being aware of how they speak and behave around them. Negative behaviors such as yelling, aggression, or anger can create a barrier between parent and child. Lastly, secure attachment occurs when parents allow their children to be themselves and express their emotions in their own way. Secure attachment creates an environment where the child feels safe to explore, knowing they can return to their parents.
How Does Secure Attachment Effect Adulthood?:
There are several factors that shape our adult selves. One of the key influences is the bond we share with our parents. This bond offers numerous advantages as we grow older. Firstly, individuals who have parents that accept and validate their emotions tend to develop a habit of honesty. They become truthful adults who maintain open and sincere relationships with others. Secondly, establishing a strong bond with understanding and accepting parents allows children to feel comfortable expressing their emotions. Consequently, they grow up feeling at ease when sharing their feelings with others. Lastly, children who have a deep connection with their parents have the potential to become supportive adults. If parents are consistently present and responsive, their children are more likely to become dependable and empathetic individuals. Consequently, they possess the qualities necessary to be supportive and caring partners in their own adult relationships.
Anxious-Insecure Attachment:
When a parent fails to consistently care for and protect their child, the child may develop an Anxious-Insecure attachment. In this type, the parent only responds to the child’s needs inconsistently, leading the child to feel unsafe and insecure. Consequently, the child becomes hesitant to leave the parent’s side, unsure if they will receive help or support when needed. As a result, the child exhibits exaggerated distress signals, in the hopes that the parent will provide them necessary care. Ultimately, this is why a child may become clingy.
How Does Anxious-Insecure Attachment Effect Adulthood?:
Believe it or not, if an adult is clingy, it’s likely because they were clingy as a child too. If you had an anxious-insecure attachment as a child, it can lead to becoming a needy, angry, and distrustful adult. When you don’t receive consistent care as a kid, it can be frustrating and make things seem unfair. Growing up feeling frustrated and believing the world is unfair makes you develop anger toward life. Similarly, if you learn young that you can’t rely on others, as an adult it is hard to trust people. As an adult, someone who was needy or clingy as a child might become codependent and possessive
Avoidant-Insecure Attachment:
There are a few main reasons for this type of attachment. One is when a parent doesn’t pay attention to their child when they are facing a difficult problem. This makes the child think that the parent isn’t necessary to their progress, so the child solves the problem themselves. Another important factor is when a parent doesn’t meet a child’s needs. For example, if a child is thirsty, hungry, in need of attention, or needs reassurance, and the parent doesn’t provide these things, the child learns not to depend on their parents even for basic necessities. The last factor is when a child’s emotions are not taken seriously. For instance, if a child is crying and the parent says, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” this makes the child feel like they have to hide their emotions and handle them on their own.
How Does Avoidant-Insecure Attachment Effect Adulthood?:
The idea of an adult who refuses to commit may have origins in childhood with Avoidant-Insecure Attachments. Growing up without help, without someone to rely on emotionally, and without someone who listens to their needs results in adults who feel the need to handle everything by themselves. They may be afraid to open up because it’s unfamiliar to them. These adults rarely seek assistance because they’ve always managed on their own. Ultimately, they find it hard to trust others to take care of them because they’ve been self-reliant their entire life.
Disorganized-Insecure Attachment:
This unfortunate case is different from the other three. In the first three cases, a child can learn how to behave by watching their parent. But in this case, the parent behaves in a way that is not normal, like making fun of the child or rejecting them completely. In serious situations, the parent may even scare or hurt the child instead of taking care of or protecting them. This often happens because the parent went through similar trauma when they were a child, and it makes them scared and anxious when they are around their own child. This kind of relationship makes the child act in extreme ways, like being aggressive, refusing care, and being overly independent.
How Does Disorganized-Insecure Attachment Effect Adulthood?:
Unfortunately, when it comes to this type of attachment, the results are usually not good. In 2004, experts found that teenagers who had Disorganized-Insecure attachments tended to have more mental health issues in general by the age of 17. Additionally, adults with this type of attachment were very likely to struggle with controlling their own behavior and had difficulties with more advanced thinking skills.
How Does This Help Us Let Go of Attachments?:
After you learn Attachment Theory, you might find that you identify with one of the categories. That’s good! Recognition is the first step toward a solution, and that applies here too. Spending your life thinking that your behaviors are a part of your personality, might make you believe there’s nothing you can do about it. But that’s not true. Research shows that cognitive behavioral therapy is one way to develop the skills needed for change. Another is to keep in mind your own attachment style and its characteristics. Also, remember that it’s not your fault that you developed it. Day to day, when you recognize your attachment patterns, remind yourself it’s not who are, and let it go. It’s challenging at first, but with practice, it becomes easier. One day, your neediness, self-reliance, and commitment issues will fade. Then you will have Let Go Of Attachments, at least, this type.
Let Go of Attachments, Philosophical Perspective:
Let go of Attachments to People:
If there is one thing that defines humans, it is our relationships with others. We are largely the product of the influence of those who were, are, and will be in our lives. A teacher who takes the time to help you, a neighbor that brought your family meals, or a childhood best friend all leave their mark on us. However, there is a negative side to these relationships. If we form strong attachments to them, we may impede ourselves from making progress in life. Maybe that childhood friend got into drugs and now they want you to too. Perhaps that neighbor moves and you can’t seem to let go. Even a teacher who gives you help may also give you a bad grade and leave you feeling betrayed or confused. All of these positive influences can quickly turn into a heavy burden we carry with us.
Epictetus
“So if you wish for your son or friend when it is not allowed to you, you must know that you are wishing for a fig in winter.”
Epictetus
Figs in winter or snow in spring, wishing for the impossible, Epictetus says, makes you a fool. Everything in life is temporary. So too are friends and loved ones. People come and go, such is life. Some stay briefly, and others for a while. Rarely do you feel sadness over the loss of a stranger, but will mourn a loved one for the rest of your life. Furthermore, mourning doesn’t always mean death. For instance, the loss of who your friend was before they turned to drugs. Or the loss of a helpful mentor when they retire. You may mourn the meals your neighbor made after they move away. All of these are natural. However, attachment to these people and wishing for their return is futile and will make you feel foolish and alone. So be grateful for who you have presently and when they leave, let them go freely.
Attachments to Objects:
There are two things that are perfect for learning to let go of attachments to objects. The first is a quote from Epictetus and the Second is a story from Marcus Aurelius.
Epictetus
“In the case of everything that you are fond of, keep in mind to tell yourself what it is. If you are fond of jug say, ‘I am fond of a jug.’ Then if it is broken, you will not be troubled.”
Epictetus
This quote is one of the most impactful that I have ever read. It seems simple enough, but put into daily practice it is invaluable. The other day I dropped and broke my favorite mug and I was upset at first, then I reminded myself that a jug is a jug and a mug is a mug. It is that simple. A sentimental connection to an object does not change the nature of the object. It remains that object. To any other person’s broken mug, I would tell them that it is just a mug and to move on, why should I treat myself and my mug any differently?
Marcus Aurelius
Marcus Aurelius awoke one day to realize that one of his prized possessions, a metal oil lamp, had been stolen. It was his equivalent to a favorite mug, though it was likely more valuable. Instead of cursing the thief, he told himself that he should go and buy a much cheaper lamp because one only loses what one possesses. This story is powerful because Marcus Aurelius took a negative and made it into a chance for himself to grow. He took responsibility for the fact that he was the one that owned a lamp that he was afraid would be stolen. I’m not suggesting that you sell everything and get cheaper equivalents. Rather, take the time to realize that it isn’t life that causes harm by taking from you, but it is you who wagers your happiness on attachments to objects.
Attachments to States of Being:
Health, Happiness, and Comfort are states of being that we all desire. However, happiness often doesn’t last long, health is largely out of our control, and comfort is a trap that we lay for ourselves. When we lose these things, we often despair and worry that we will never get them back. Here are a few quotes to help you let go of attachments to states of being.
Epictetus
“Sickness is an impediment to the body, but not to the will. Lameness is an impediment to the leg, but not to the will.”
Epictetus
In this quote, Epictetus makes the astute distinction between body and mind. Countless people spend much of their lives seeking out ways to keep their health and extend their life. However, in spite of this hard work, there are always unforeseen and unavoidable circumstances. Car accidents, cancer, and even the flu can come out of nowhere and take from us the health that we hold so dear. Many of us who go through those things are quick to think that our injuries are an impediment to us. While that may be true of the leg, as Epictetus says, but not of the will. That means that if you keep in mind that it is out of your control that you are sick or hurt, you can move on and still have control over the one thing that truly matters, your will to continue.
Epictetus, Again
“It is better to starve to death in a calm and confident state than to live anxiously amidst abundance.”
Epictetus
Epictetus may seem a bit extreme when he says this, but it takes a radical mindset to understand what he is trying to communicate. Happiness doesn’t come from external things. It is easy to convince yourself that if you just have a little bit more money or a few more things you will be happy. It’s just not true. Happiness comes from within, from understanding that the universe will do what it will and that the only thing we can do when it throws obstacles our way is to remain calm and tranquil. If we are able to do that, we can be truly happy.
Attachments to The Past:
You will often say, “I miss the good old days” or “I wish we could go back to the way things were.” Understandably, the past is easy to attach oneself to. The present is still unfolding and the future is unknown, so looking back to the past for comfort is a way to cope. However, the past will never return. That is scary but I have good news. In the future, you will look back on today in the same way you look back on the past. In the same way, you look back to childhood and wish you could run and play as you did then, so too will you look back on yourself now when you are older. If you are forever looking to the past, you will miss out on the present and you will spend the rest of your life wishing you were somewhere else.
Attachments to Your Beliefs:
It seems that now more than ever people attach their self-worth and identity to their beliefs about the world. Whether it’s religion, politics, or even the shape of the earth, people will live and die by that which they are convinced. The problems with this phenomenon are manyfold, but here are two major ones:
The First Problem
“I want to believe as many true things and as few false things as possible.”
Matt Dillahunty
The first problem, which this quote relates to, is that when you attach yourself to your beliefs, you are missing out on an opportunity to grow and learn. If everyone in the world did the same we wouldn’t know that the world is round, that our health and temperament aren’t controlled by four humors, and that Walt Disney didn’t likely freeze his head for later reanimation. So in every instance remind yourself that if you value the truth, you may have to adjust your beliefs accordingly.
The Second Problem
The second problem is attaching your identity to your beliefs. This is common in religion and politics. A person becomes entrenched in their beliefs and starts self-identifying using those beliefs. When you do that you run into a couple of issues. The first is if you encounter a person with different beliefs. In this case, you not only disagree but discount them as a whole because they disagree with your belief. The second is if you find irrefutable evidence contrary to your beliefs. In this case, you either have to deny what is plainly evident or you undergo an existential crisis. So rather than identify with your beliefs, hold them at arm’s length so they are easier to examine. If you find that you are wrong, it will then be a simple matter to let go.
The Short and Sweet of Attachments:
Letting Go of Attachments is incredibly difficult, nearing impossible. In fact, in order to finish this article, I had to let go of my attachment to perfection. Take it one day at a time. Here are a few things to remember:
- Recognize the side effects of your form of attachment. When you encounter them, note it, and let go.
- Do not wish for a fig in winter, be grateful for what you have and let it go free when the time comes.
- Remember a jug is a jug and a mug is a mug.
- You can only lose what you have, don’t wager your happiness on possessions.
- No matter what life gives or takes, you are only in control of your will to continue.
- Happiness doesn’t come from without, it comes only from within.
- The past will never return, don’t try to hold on to it or you will let the present slip through your fingers.
- If you value your beliefs over the truth, you will be forever a fool.
- Hold your beliefs at arm’s length, it will be easier to let them go.